Of Llamas, Squirrels, and Kings
by arvana
Summary: Takes place after the War of the Rings, Legolas is out camping when he makes a very strange discovery. Contains elements from the Emperor's New Groove. Note: Both Boromir and Denether lived in my version, as did Saruman and Wormtongue. Thanks for reading


"Gather firewood, gather firewood, Make the elf do all the work. Typical dwarf, makes the elf do all the

work." Legolas muttered these words while picking up sticks, trying in vain to keep his tunic spotlessly

clean. Right after Aragorn's coronation Gimli had declared that he was going camping, and he was taking

Legolas with him. Legolas tried hard to reject the invitation, saying that they spent enough time sleeping on

hard ground in the rain, and wind, and in the midst of wild animals, and that he was just now getting used to

a normal mattress, but it was all for naught. It didn't help that the rest of the fellowship ganged up

on him, taking Gimli's side, saying a camping trip would be good for him. Not to mention the fact that

Aragorn overheard the conversation and also agreed, and being the new king of Gondor, as soon as he

decides something, everybody thinks it has to be done. Then Boromir piped up saying he knew the perfect

place, just outside of the city. Of course that made Faramir declare he knew an even better place. They

argued for a long while, Boromir saying the he was older and knew way more, and Faramir saying that he

found all sorts of new places while Boromir was off gallivanting on quests and such. Legolas hoped that

they would argue to the point that they would forget what they were fighting about and the whole idea

would be dropped, but it was not to be. They eventually agreed on a spot, in fact the place that Boromir had

initially suggested. Therefore Legolas found himself alone in the woods, getting more wood while Gimli

stayed back at the camp smoking his pipe.

As soon as he had a good armful of wood, Legolas turned to go back to the camp. He hadn't yet gone two

steps when he froze. He heard a voice, but what it was saying he couldn't quite believe. Silently he crept

towards it. The voice got louder as he got nearer, it seemed to be saying something that sounded like

"Squeakity squeak squiggens." That what it sounded like for sure, but what could it possibly mean? And

that voice, it sounded familiar. He just then spotted a figure through the trees, it was a man. The man's back

was turned towards Legolas, but something about him looked very familiar. And the voice, it sounds like…

just then the man turned towards Legolas. "Aragorn?" Legolas said incredulously. Aragorn stood

speechless for a moment. Clearly he hadn't expected to meet anyone he knew out in the woods.

"Legolas? What are you doing here?"

"Camping, remember? The camping trip with Gimli that you didn't help at all to get me out of."

"Oh yeah." Aragorn smiled slightly. "How's that going for you?"

"I _really _don't want to talk about three days spent with a dwarf that constantly belches and passes gas and

snores louder than a herd of Oliphants. But enough about me, what about you? What are you doing in the

middle of the woods alone, and what were you saying just before I showed up. That is a tongue I've never

heard before."

Aragorn looked a little embarrassed. "Would you let it go if I told you that it was top secret information for

the king and no one else to know?"

Legolas shook his head slightly. Aragorn sighed. "I didn't think so. To be honest, I was gathering

information. You think I'm alone because my friend climbed up the tree before you came into view."

"Your friend? Who is he? And how would he know I was there, I can see further and am quieter than any

other creature in existence."

"You may find this near impossible to believe, but elves do not have the best vision. It is a little known fact

that squirrels have the best vision ever."

"Squirrels?" Legolas said, shock laced into his voice. "Did I just hear you say squirrels?"

"You did." Aragorn answered. "It's okay Squeaky, come down."

"Sqeaky? Sqeaky? You have a friend who's a squirrel and his name's _Squeaky?_"

There was a scurrying in the leaves before a face popped out. "Squiggens." The furry face said.

"Squiggens is the general greeting among squirrels. It is the first word you learn when you start studying

their language." Legolas was getting frustrated. "Their language? Squirrels have their own language?

Squirrels are just dumb forest animals, they don't speak!" As soon as the words came out of his mouth fur

flew in. It didn't take Legolas long to realize that Squeaky had shoved his tail into Legolas' mouth. The

squirrel then started beating Legolas' head and chest with his tiny, clawed fists. The elf grabbed the squirrel

and pulled him off himself. "I'm sorry, okay, I didn't mean it! Uh, how do you say that in Squirrel, uh

squeakers squiggidy squeam…" The squirrel sunk his teeth into Legolas' hand, causing the elf to drop him.

Squeaky then shot up the trunk of the tree and sat on a branch just out of Legolas' reach, shouting words at

him that Legolas had a feeling were not words that they say in front of their squirrel children. "He bit me!"

Legolas yelled, holding his bleeding finger in his other hand. "He better not have rabies! Aragorn, Aragorn?

Where are you?" Looking around he spotted his friend lying on the ground, laughing hysterically. "Stop it!"

Legolas shouted. Aragorn ignored him and continued laughing. "You were just cussed out by a squirrel, that

was definitely the funniest thing I ever saw!" Aragorn chocked the words out between laughter.

"I was just attacked by a savage squirrel and your sitting here laughing at me?" Legolas shouted, which

made Aragorn laugh that much louder. "Watch what you say about Squeaky, you don't want another

beating do you?"

Legolas clutched his bloody hand close and looked up suspiciously at the branch where the squirrel was still

muttering under his breath.

"Now," Aragorn said, "To get back to what we were talking about before you started insulting my friend

here, just after you and Gimli left the other day, we started hearing rumors about a ghost, a spirit that has

taken form in the evilest way possible. It's been wreaking havoc all over Minas Tirith. Squeaky is one of the

best spies in the forest, I figured if anybody had information in would be him."

"Well, did he?"

"He did. In fact he spoke with this ghost. He was just being friendly and the ghost was extraordinarily rude

to him. He knew from that moment the extent of evilness that lay in this creature."

"You said it took an evil form. What was the form?"

"It was a -" Just then Aragorn looked over Legolas' shoulder and saw something. "DEMON LLAMA!" He

screamed. "RUN!"

They took off running as Squeaky ran up the tree and started jumping from tree to tree using the top

branches. They ran non-stop all the way back to the city gates. As soon as they were safe they fell on the

ground breathing heavily. Suddenly Legolas sat up. "Gimli!" He cried. "I left him out there all by himself

with the demon llama!"

"He'll be okay," Aragorn said. "Squeaky will warn him."

"Squeaky is a squirrel. Without you to translate Gimli will just think that it's an angry squirrel that lost it's

acorn."

"Gimli speaks squirrel."

"Gimli speaks squirrel? Squirrels speak, you speak their language, and now Gimli does too? This is too

much." Legolas moaned as he sunk back down holding his head between his bloody fingers. After they

rested for a short while they went into the hall to meet with Aragorn's counsellors to discuss what needed to

be done about the evil llama ghost. Nobody could agree with what needed to happen, they spent hours

arguing the best methods for protecting the city, how they could kill the llama, and where or why they were

under attack by a demon llama in the first place. Just as they got to the height of the argument, the door

swung open and they all spun around to see who was there. The outer guard stood there holding a small

snivelling man by the back of his shirt. "Wormtongue!" Exclaimed Aragorn. "You were banished from

Edoras, and you dare show your face here! Speak!"

"We-ell," Wormtongue stuttered. "You see, this guy in red popped up on my one shoulder and told me that

I should go ahead with the plan, but this guy in white came and reminded me that you saved my life in

Rohan, and I figured he had a point so I came here to save yours."

"What? Guys in red and white? I have no idea what your talking about, but never mind. What's this plan

you speak of?"

"The plan to take over Middle-earth. Avenge the fact that you won the war and killed Sauron, basic things

like that. I mean, he was the puppet of Sauron and when Sauron died his strings were cut, so to speak. So he

started taking things into his own hands."

"You keep saying 'he', you mean Saruman, correct?"

"Yes, and the other guy was mad at you, so he made a deal with my master. His allegiance for your throne."

"My throne? Who is this that is mad at me and wants my throne?"

"You know, that guy you replaced."

"You mean Denethor?"

"Yeah! That's him. He's pretty furious, you know, what with you coming and claiming the throne and all."

"Hmm, I knew he had gone pretty insane, but I didn't think to the point of taking back the throne." Aragorn

sighed. "But one thing still confuses me, how does the llama fit into all of this?"

"Rath Dinen." Wormtongue said.

"The graveyard?"

"Yes. You've seen Isildur's tomb of course. Have you ever wondered about the strange patterns etched

there?"

"Well, yes, of course. People for generations have been trying to decipher the meaning of it."

"It is words in the ancient language of squirrel."

"Squirrel?" Legolas piped up. "But you speak squirrel, Aragorn."

Aragorn shook his head. "I speak it, yes, but I have never learned the written form."

"Well," Wormtongue continued. "The writing basically says that within lies the key to Middle Earth. Based

on a prophesy Saruman believes the key unlocks a chest. A chest that is in the very halls of Minas Tirith.

Inside the chest is a scroll that contains the secret to the power over Middle Earth."

"I'm still not getting why there's a llama involved."

"Underneath the writing there is two notches, right beside each other. Looks an awful lot like a llama

footprint, doesn't it?"

"Yes it does, I never thought about that before."

"The footprint is basically a keyhole. If you insert the foot of a llama into it, it triggers something inside,

and a panel pops open. Inside is the key to the chest."

"Ai," Legolas said. "Isildur had some obsession with squirrels."

"And llamas." Agreed Gimli who had come in some time before. "He must have been quite crazy."

Legolas laughed, "So that's where Ara-" His words were cut short by a glare from Aragorn.

"If we can be serious for a moment," Aragorn said, looking meaningfully at the dwarf and elf. "We can

figure out what to do about this."

"We need the llama so we can get the key before Saruman does." Stated Eomer.

"There's one more thing…" Wormtongue said. "That is no ordinary llama. It's-"

"Denethor." Gandalf's voice boomed from the door. Everybody looked at him quizzically. "The llama is

Denethor." Wormtongue nodded in agreement.

"Where is he?" Aragorn asked Gandalf.

"Why I let him into the city." Gandalf responded. "I knew that it wasn't an ordinary llama, it was acting far

too queer for that, so I cast a spell to turn it into it's true form. And it turned out to be Denethor. I knew he

had a spell put on him to turn him that way, so I figured it wasn't his fault, so I let him in. I'm sure he's in

his quarters recuperating."

With every word that Gandalf spoke, Wormtongue's face got even paler than it started as. He shook his

head. "We've got to find him." He said. "If Saruman is anywhere near the city, which I would wager he is,

then he could put the spell back on. And now that Denethor is in the city he could easily go to Rath Dinen

and get the key."

Aragorn and Gandalf looked at each other, then started towards the door.

Everyone who was involved split up to look, just in case Wormtongue wasn't telling the truth, but the

logical place to look was the graveyard, so that's where Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli started. They

ran towards Isildur's tomb but stopped short at the sight they saw there. Denethor stood on the top step of

the tomb, right beside the writing and hoof keyhole. Spittle flew from his mouth as he laughed

uncontrollable. Boromir and Faramir stood at the bottom of the steps and looked up at him. Aragorn

immediately felt sorry for them. They had put so much into their father, trying so hard to help him through

his insanity, to get him to the point where he would be able to have a normally functioning life. But it

seemed all their work was in vain, as he stood there laughing. Suddenly he stopped laughing and started

wailing. "It was mine! I put my life into it, as did my fathers and my father's fathers. Then what happens? A

ranger from the North who grew up with Elves comes along and gets handed the kingdom!"

"Father," Boromir pleaded. "Please come down, it's okay, remember what we've been talking about? That

it's better this way."

"He stole it from you as much as from me Boromir." His father said angrily. "And now I got a chance to

change it, make it right again, and that wizard wrecks it for us!"

Suddenly a flash of light permeated the air where Denethor was standing. Everyone who witnessed this was

momentarily blinded. After blinking a few times to clear their sight, everybody stared at Denethor. Denethor

noticed there looks and looked down at himself. "Yay! I'm a llama again!" He said gleefully. With that he

inserted his hoof into the wall of the tomb. The stone cracked and groaned loudly as a section of

stone separated from the rest of the tomb. Denethor reached his long snout into the hollow stone and

triumphantly pulled it back out, and iron key held between his teeth.

"He changed back into a llama!" Grima exclaimed. "That can only mean one thing."

"Saruman." Gandalf said. "He must be around here somewhere."

"Yes." A musical voice whispered. "_Somewhere."_

_Taking advantage of everyone looking for the source of the voice, Llama Denethor took off towards the _

_Hall of the Kings._

"_After him!" Someone shouted, but smoke filled the air. Everybody ran around in confusion, bumping into _

_each other and creating even more chaos. _

"_Gandalf, it's the chest!" Aragorn yelled. Gandalf moved toward his voice. "What chest?" _

"_The chest that Saruman is looking for. In the hall, remember all the statues in there. Many of them are _

_holding stone chests. One of those is the chest he is looking for!"_

"_We must get there fast then!"_

_Finding their way through the smoke they made their way to the hall. _

"_What's this about a chest?" Gandalf asked as they ran._

"_Wormtongue said the chest contained the key to Middle Earth. Saruman plans to use it to take over."_

"_Then we better get there fast."_

_But as it turned out, fast was not good enough. They made it into the hall just as Saruman was lifting the _

_stone lid of the chest. Gandalf sent a spell towards him, but Saruman sent one back, stopping in. He reached _

_his hand into the chest and pulled out a scroll. After hastily unrolling it he glanced at his contents. _

"_WHAT IS THIS?" He exclaimed in anger. Gandalf used this opportunity to shoot a spell causing _

_Saruman's staff to slide away from him. Without the power of his staff he was helpless against the white _

_wizard. He dropped the scroll and Aragorn picked it up. "Does this say what I think it does?" He asked _

_passing it to Legolas. "Not sure, but it makes no sense to me." Was the elf's response._

"_Well, tell us what it says!" Gimli exclaimed. Legolas opened his mouth to read it, but just then two hobbits _

_came running in. "What in the blazes is going on here Aragorn?" Frodo asked. "There's people running _

_around all over the place out there."_

"_We were just about to figure that out." Said Gandalf. "Continue, Legolas."_

"_It says Spinach Puffs, one cup flour, half-"_

"_WHAT?" Sam interrupted. "The legendary recipe for Spinach Puffs? Here?"_

"_What are you talking about?" Said Gimli._

"_The Gamgee family recipe! It was stolen generations ago by a man. He was a traveller and my ancestors _

_were hospitable to him, fed him supper. Well he liked the spinach puffs so much that he took off with the _

_recipe. It was the only copy we had and have never been able to make them since! The story has been _

_passed down for generations about why men can't be trusted! And it's true!"_

"_That explains things." Gandalf said softly._

"_Explains what Mithandir?" Asked Legolas._

"_Elrond once told me that Isildur used to mumble about stealing something. He seemed guilty but would _

_always reason that it tastes so good."_

"_Isildur!" Sam huffed shooting a dirty glance towards Aragorn. "That's your ancestor Strider!"_

_Aragorn threw his hands up defensively._

"_So that's why you keep about 8 copies of each of your recipes, Sam." Frodo mentioned._

"_With good reason!" Sam said, throwing another look Aragorn's way, as if Aragorn was going to come to _

_the Shire and steal all of Sam's recipes right then._

"_I'm just confused about one thing." Gimli said._

"_What's that?"_

"_Why would Isildur go to all that trouble to hide a recipe, making people think that it is a very important _

_secret?"_

"_It is a very important secret." Muttered Sam, clutching the recipe close._

"_But why! Why is it so important?"_

"_I suppose that is something we may never find out, Gimli." Said Gandalf._


End file.
